Monday, February 09, 2009
Yesterday was horrible, disgusting, and terrible.
I was on my way home at night and suddenly so many thoughts came into my mind. I felt like crying. I felt pathetic.
It's hard to listen.
I have two voices in my head. One is saying your pathetic, stop tryin, you'll never find happiness, this world stinks your friends stink. You have no life here, no business. Your just a nobody, a useless and unwanted person. Your friends are all just part time friends, you don't have true friends. The other is saying and telling me that I have hope, that there are friends who care. It's telling me that I'm a somebody and it's telling me I mean something to the world. It's telling me to trust in God, and to see myself how God sees me and not how others do. It's just so freaking hard to decide on who to listen. Yeah. It's just freaking easy to say listen to the second voice, but I wanna give up.
Betrayed, insulted, left for the dead. There's no one to trust, and almost everyone's just too obsessed with their own problems.
I'm confused
I'm lost
I'm angry pissed and sad
I feel like giving up. I felt so terrible tears started flowing. And I hated the feeling. It just made me feel so miserable, pathetic. Music wasn't even there to face me. I cried, I prayed, nothing happened.
I woke up, went to school and found out that I have a lump on my neck which hurts. Thank God it's just a cramp, not a tumor. And my wrist still hurts like crazy, I can't even bend my hand forward. What did I do to have to go through these hurts, these pains?
It stinks. It just stinks.
Was shuffling through my iPod, and I chanced upon a song called 'Open Your Eyes' by Desperation Band, and the lyrics just melted my heart.
Yeah. I realized, there's no one else for me, only God. He will always be there. He will always be listening.
Open Your EyesI see You hanging there
Blood stained and freedom in Your hands
I see amazing grace
Agony and passion on Your face
Now that I see You I know
Your love commands my soul
Now that I know You I see
There’s no one else for me
I see You standing here
Scarred hands of hope have been revealed
I see You took my place
What was meant for me has been erased
Open your eyes, look to the skies
The King of love, the King of heaven
Tell everyone, your daughters and sons
The King of love, the King of heaven
Then the first voice said this to me," If God is listening, why isn't He doing anything?"
I broke down. I cried. But I do believe He is listening. Yeah. Like I said before, everything has a purpose. Even satan does. Maybe God's testing me. He did say that He would give us only what we can handle. But I think it's a little too much. Yeah. Call me emotional, because I am emotional. I'm a human, I need love. I need care and concern.
"A changed life will change lives"
That came into my head. It was from yesterday's sermon. Unless you change first, you cannot expect to change others. Then another thought came into my head. "A friend will have friends". If you can't be a friend to anyone, don't expect anyone to be your friend.
What did I do wrong then. Tell me. I will amend. I promise.
God touch me. Change me and heal my broken heart. You said that if we believe, You'd give. Now I'm just asking you to heal my heart, and give me ways to solve my problems. I'm crying out to you. I know you hear this. Please Lord, help me.I need answers. And I'm gonna look for them.
Labels: the King of heaven, The King of love
i made it known at 7:29 PM
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